So it just doesn't seem right, when I look at this whole thing that God did and how he made everything to work, it just doesn't seem right. I've been letting the Lord speak his happiness and approval and love over me this past few weeks and there is still so much of me that keeps wondering if he's really this good. Because if he is who he says he is then I'm so wounded with love, I will seriously have no other. But there are so many times when I try to step out in faith and walk with that confidence that he's smiling at me with love and the more I do it the easier it gets however my heart is still doubting that he's this good. I just want to cling on to this fact that when I'm bad I'm apart from him, that he's not with me when I'm thinking those thoughts or letting my heart run away with anger or self pitty. But he's not afraid of me, he's with me down here in my dirt and he's in my face the whole time. I just have the hardest time accepting that but his love offers me something I can't refuse so I can't turn away from it at all. I know I'm still loving him out of my selfish eros love too, but the thing is he's ok with that. Knowing that he's unlike everyone else just makes me want to know him more. He's such a mystery to me, I don't understand why someone would come and choose me when I clearly didn't choose him from the beginning. He knew how bent and out of shape I was from the very beginning, he knew there wasn't anything in my heart that had good in it, he knew how my nature would be to stray away from him but he wanted me still. I don't understand this but I'll take it because there isn't anything else in the world that offers this to me. I just can't seem to get away from the beauty of this picture of love, I want to stand overwhelmed constantly, I don't care if I seem so redundant or repetitive or if I seem like I don't understand or whatever, this love is too great to quit staring at and gazing upon. I was nothing and he chose me. Ezekiel 16 is a picture of what God did for Israel but can be compared to what he did for us.
Ezekiel 16: 5 No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised.
Verse 8 Later I passed by you and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine. I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put leather sandals on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry, i put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver, your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was fine flour, honey and olive oil. You became very beautifl and rose to be a queen. And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign Lord.
I just think this is such a beautiful picture of what the Lord has done for us. Then I think of Hosea and how he had to persistently keep going after Gomer and that is exactly what the Lord has been doing in me, just persistently telling me that I am beautiful, that he is pleased with me, that he loves me.
It's such a beautiful mystery that the Lord chooses us as humans to enter into covenant with him to become one with him, it's truly amazing! His kingdom is truly the upside down one, because he goes after the broken and needy and poor and naked and chooses to attach himself to them and to glorify himself through them! Wow, I stand amazed.